We assign value to a lot of things in our lives. Whether it’s the actual presence of tangible possessions like a car and phone, or even those things we can’t see, touch or feel like friendships and education – they all are worth something to us!
Why is it though when we look at ourselves, we can’t always see our value? A growing trend has exploded among young people today, looking to others to determine their sense of worth. So many people get caught up in these relationships, where they let the other person treat them bad. It’s almost like they can’t see that they deserve better. The all so infamous words come to mind, “But I can’t help how I feel; I love him/her.” It’s true, sometimes you don’t have much control on how you feel, but you most certainly have control of your actions and how you respond to someone.
To me, when someone stays in a relationship with someone that doesn’t treat them right, it shows a lot about how they see themselves. Often times, we get so caught up in the moment that we fail to remember we get plenty more shots at finding that right person. While the idea of letting go and walking away might seem unbearable, you shouldn’t let people treat you below what you’re worth, because if you can’t recognize your value no one else will either.
I can totally relate with this. For 3 years I stayed with someone who abused me physically and controlled me. I felt so trapped and thought I had no way out. Just a few months ago God helped me to get out of it and I’m finally feeling the freedom I use to feel before I ever met that person. I am thankful God has set me free and happy that he gave me the courage to let it go!
Thank you Rachel for sharing this!!!:)
Mel,
Thank you for sharing with everyone some of what you went through with your past relationship. I know that could really bless and minister to someone else reading that might be in a similar situation. A big reason I started writing this blog was because I wanted people to know they weren’t alone in their struggles. We all face the very same issues’ and sometimes it’s just nice to know someone else has been there and made it through. That hope to overcome is what helps people not give up. I’m so glad that you have found your way out of that terrible situation and are moving on towards a better life for yourself! You have a lot to be proud of, because letting go and moving on is never easy. You are one strong girl! : )
Thank u Rachel for getting back to me! I am realizing that I’m stronger then I ever thought I was. I guess going through all that stuff I went through has made me the strong girl I am today. I kept telling myself it would change and it only got worse. I know that what the enemy meant for evil my God will turn around for good. The devil wanted to ruin my life and bring me down, but God used everything to make me strong and reach out to others who are in the very same situation I was in. I know that its only the beginning that God is going to use me to minister to hurting young women that are in bad relationships and give them hope! Thanks again for getting back to me and for your encouragement I so needed to hear that! God is good!!!!!
Mel,
I think you bring up a very good point that seems to be a popular trend these days. Sometimes you hold on with the expectation or hope that someone will change. You so desperately cling to the idea that things can get better, even when you know they probably won’t.
However, I’ve realized that we can’t change people. People have to change because they want too. There’s not much we can do for someone that isn’t first willing to help themselves. A lot of times people become “comfortable” with the way things have always been. In this case, changing becomes difficult because that would require things to become different. Regardless, like I said before, I’m glad you were able to see that you were worth more than the way you were being treated.
A lot of times people say, “I understand what you’re going through”, but they really don’t because they haven’t been there. While I would never want anyone to experience what you did, that experience is going to open so many doors in helping heal the hurt others are currently experiencing from the same thing! I’m so glad you have such a big heart for other girls out there. You are going to be such a perfect person for them to confide in. I can’t wait to hear stories of what will come out of this! You must share as they come along!
Rachel I will keep you posted on this journey of mine! I too can’t wait to see what the Lord is going to do!!! 🙂
Being in a relationship for 3 years with the guy who is so not your taste was difficult for me too, but God is smart to use those circumstances to teach me to be good in all bad. In those days I knew God would deliver me, but until the day, he helped me to be right in wrong relationship. So if you are in a bad relationship, hold on to God and he will help you to overcome.
How neat. A new post to speak on. Personally, from experience; I stayed around someone out of fear. Being rejected, called names, made fun of etc…I “knew” I was dancing with the devil, but the mind games-manipulation-Jezebel control caused me to be silent, keep shut & endure it OUT OF FEAR!!
I now question past decisions in regards to fear. Not being accepted, rejected, cussed at…whatever to fit in. To be accepted was my goal. A people pleaser; no more. When you get sick & tired of being sick & tired; if ya got motivation–YOU GOT HOPE!!
When you ‘realize’ that you’re in a dog eat dog world, you’ll just say to heck with them, if I’m not good enough for them then all I’m doing is wasting my time energy & life. I’ve been labled crazy all my life so’k, fine. Get ready for a crazy love for God. The world wants to label me, label the tape out baby b/c ya gonna get a fired up, stayed up-prayed up-played up with a mad crazy love for JESUS! My haters really are my best ‘closet friends.’
Ok. Now these lessons actually do come with a pricetag. A hefty one but the reward is soo much more! To God be the glory! When you get knocked down, don’t lay there and take it. With all you got in you, get up! Get up! This LIFE isn’t a one rounder. God’s grace will extend it to a one thousand rounder. It’s all about getting up, sayin da heck with it, and marchin on. These boots were made for walking and that’s just what they’ll do! Make the 1st step, show God you’re for real, and He will bust them doors wide OPEN!
God’s faithful. He’s real. His love is THE best. And He’s waiting for the one to bring accusations against His chosen ones. HIS KIDS…HIS FAMILY! No joke; God will break out the old, “Go ahead and make my day; your luck ain’t strong enough!” Selah.
Mmm, Jesus…Jesus…Jesus: tell me, what could be better?
David, take a look at my blog and please tell me what you think over there as well ok…
http://www.cyberactivefrank.blogspot.com
Top of the day to you all..
David,
Have you considered being a preacher? You sure have a lot of passion and love for the Lord, that’s awesome. I was actually just talking with someone the other day about the struggles of wanting to be accepted. I think we can all say at some time, on some level, we have experienced rejection. Wanting to fit in and belong is a natural psychological desire. However, the question becomes, how far should you go just to fit in?
At some point, you have to determine who you are and ultimately the person you want to be. Then you need to align your actions as well as your relationships up with that goal in mind. I’ve learned the hard way that if I listened to what every single person had to say about me, I would spend a lifetime being miserable. You can’t control what others think, say, or even feel towards you. However, you can control who you are as a person. When you stop focusing on the things you can’t control you start to realize the things you can.
I’m sorry you’ve dealt with these things in the past. I’m glad you are able to recognize them though, because that’s half the battle. Some people are hurting and have no idea why. At least you have identified these things and now are going to be able to work towards getting over them. Keep up the fight! I will be praying for you my friend.
Great post Rachel. It is really sad when I see people in relationships like that. It makes me cry almost because I was an abusive wife in years past.
I really took out every frustration on my husband, called him names and my favorite weapon was the TV remote. It makes me really sad to see how I was treating him, but the reason I was treating him that way was because I myself felt that I was not worth such a great person as he was, so I decided that I was going to chase him off before he could leave me.
We both had some serious self esteem issues so we ended up staying together, almost getting a divorce, and then stopping it just in time after God did a total turn around in our life.
What young people need to remember first and foremost is that they can NOT settle for someone that isn’t saved AND filled with the Holy Spirit. So many times people compromise in this area. Sure there are going to be problems but many many LESS if they are both going after God….
<3
An insightful post. But it brings up a question that I’ve been struggling with from time to time; what if that person is someone close to you? Like your parents. You see, when you’re a child you have no choice, but to depend on them, and when you get a little bit older and find God the Father, do you become distant with them, or do you stay close to them? And if you stay close to them, you always end up getting hurt, but the opposite action seems to be a contradiction to God’s law and the law of love. What do you people think?
Furthermore if the answer is yes; stay close. What makes other people different?
I guess my point is; from my last post, is that our relationships are not the result of our self-worth, but more that our self-worth is the result of our relationships, and this is the reason why our relationship with God must come first, and in doing so, all of our relationships become healthy, because you are defined by God, and only him; you become a positive influence on all those you have a relationship with.
Furthermore I do think this message is true; you must do whats best for yourself, because you are priceless and if that means distancing yourself from certain people, then so be it. But just remember you maybe the only light they have in this world, and so your relationships are indeed signs of self-worth, but with God’s people they should be signs of the worth we give to others, that’s my point of view anyway.
Jourdan,
Thanks so much for coming to check out my blog. You bring up a very insightful question. I think the main point I was trying to convey in this post was that you’re worth more than letting people treat you badly. I was referring mainly to romantic relationships, but I guess it could apply across the board.
The Bible is very clear when it comes to parents. In fact, one of God’s Ten Commandments instructs us to honor our parents. I think it’s safe to say, he really felt pretty strongly in that regard. However, I understand no one is perfect, not even our parents. Sometimes they let us down, hurt us, or even make us angry. I think it’s important to remember though, that the commandant did not say, “Honor your parents only if they treat you right”. I know that can be really tough to do, especially when you feel like they’ve wronged you in some way. I have found though, that a lot of the things the Lord expects of us aren’t always easy. He also commands us to love our enemies.
I think what’s important to recognize here is that none of us get it right all the time and some of us seem to never get it right. The only thing we can do is as you mentioned, love. That doesn’t mean though, that you should stay in a bad relationship. You have to understand that walking away from a bad situation doesn’t mean that you are not acting in love. It just simply means, you know you are worth more than the way you are being treated.
I hope I was able to answer your questions. Please let me know if you have anymore! Keep thinking, reaching, and digging deeper. It is never a bad thing to ask questions. I hope everything works out for you. I will be praying!
Lovely…
Hi Rachel this was a good…
I really like your blog. You have much wisdom to be so young. You are a minister to the lost sheep little lamb. Keep it up…
Rosetta Evans,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so thrilled you liked my blog. Nice little “pun” on words there, “Little Lamb”! haha : )
So very true, Rach!
Wow, that is deep. I really enjoy your words of advice. God bless you Rachel!
Patrick Knock,
Thank you for those kind words! I’m so glad you enjoyed this post. It’s such a big problem I see my generation facing that a lot of people don’t talk about. So, I hoped through this post I was able to offer some insight to people going through this type of situation! Keep reading and commenting! Love hearing from you!
Rachel,
That was so “right on”. My niece is 25 years old and is seeing a real loser age 32, who just abuses women. She just graduated from a 2 year technical college, is hard working, works a job and attended school. I want to grab her and shake her and say, “Wake up, you’re better than this.” Pray for Kelly. Thanks.
WOW… I was just sharing some of that with a friend who’s dealing with this… God is good always & 4ever 😮 TY 4 sharing this msg… I hope it opens the eyes of many who relate 2 this… God bless
GOD LOVED US SO MUCH HE GAVE HIS ALL IN ALL. HIS LOVE OFFERING,TO US. HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN. BLESS GOD! NOW IF HE LOVED US THAT MUCH, WE OUGHT TO KNOW WE HAVE VALUE. WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS, CHRIST DIED FOR US! NOT WHILE WE WERE YET PERFECT, OR WE WERE YET SAINTS! WHILE YET I SOMETIMES STILL SCREW UP, GOD FORGIVES ME. WE REALLY DO MATTER TO OUR PERFECT GOD WHO SET IT UP TO RECEIVE US UNTO HIM FOR ETERNITY, BECAUSE WE MATTER TO HIM. GOD ASKS US TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER. A NEW COMMANDMENT I LEAVE WITH YOU, THAT YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS I HAVE LOVED YOU. YOU MATTER TO THE GREAT I AM. THE MOST HIGH.OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. JESUS CHRIST.NOW,CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AS MUCH AS GOD DOES. AND CALL OUT HIS NAME. JESUS SAVE ME!
I am 59 years old, and every one of my 4 marriages was based on my low opinion of myself. I never knew that I was worth fighting for, so I fought for myself by making choices that affected so many people with sadness, anger, and confusion. I thought I had to do things “my” way before anyone else could hurt me, but I was my biggest enemy. My advice to young people is to give everything you’ve got to serving the Lord and take care of your spirit. You will save yourself from a life of regrets.
Rachel,
She’s No Longer A Victim But A Survivor
After reading your blog just now I wanted to write and tell you about a woman whom when she was a child was sexually abused by more than one person and then as an adult she ended up in more than one abusive relationship/marriage. At age 18 she met and married a young man her age, only months into the marriage she thought she might be pregnant. When she told him he became angry and the anger turned physical. They separated and then when she was almost five months along she started having a miscarriage, when she went to the ER she was told the baby was self aborting and when it was over to come back and they would perform a D & C to clean her up. So at 18 she went home still in pain. By that Monday she went to her OBGYN and when he was examining her the baby came out under developed. The doctor put the baby in a bottle gave it to her and sent her to the hospital for the D & C baby in hand. Her child would have been 31 this Nov. Next when she was 21 she met and married a man who ended up getting 10 do 5 years in prison. She waited for him for 3 1/2 of those years, working and visiting him.
She then at 24 met a man whom she had three wonderful children with and one miscarriage, but later found out they weren’t legally married as he was married when they married. She gained up to 350 lbs and then began to lose some of it, she now has about 56 pounds to go. She was with him 15 1/2 years.
Next she met and married a man whom she later realized was possessed in every sense of the word. He had different names for each voice. One night she even saw his facial feature literally change before her eyes. He would howl like a wolf, eat raw buffalo meat and other raw meats. He was mentally and physically abusive and he had at one point tried to force her from their home when she got to the house phone she called 911 and was able to get away from him. She was later told by officers that even though he had attacked her that if they found him and he had bruises she too could be arrested. He later stated he was going to kill her and possibly her and dump her body between Indiana and Kentucky. She and the children hid for nearly three months, the children with their dad and she with her mom and aunt who didn’t want her alone. Months later while he was incarcerated on different charges he said he found God and had changed. He looked and sounded different and she bought his story and while he incarcerated she married him. He had received 16 years in prison yet got out after only 18 months. It didn’t take her long once he was home to realize he hadn’t got saved and that the demons had only laid dormant to convince her he had changed. By this time she was afraid for herself and her children she was afraid to leave for fear of what he would do as he kept telling her over the years that he was going to commit homicide and then suicide. By now she had been with this man for about 6 1/2 years.
Then one day in 2007 God gave her the courage to get out with her children. God kept her from death during all her horrible times. She is now a Christian and when the opportunity arises she talks to other women and men about abuse and it’s effects on others. She talks with them on the streets or where ever she meets someone who she feels she can help. She has talked to them when they were drunk, sober, beaten and broken. God has been able to turn her pains and failures into victories by helping others. She is not a trained speaker and has never spoken before a group of people thus far but has spoken to perhaps hundreds or more over the years about her own situations to help them through theirs, She witnesses about God and many times she hasn’t even mentioned she was a Christian and yet they knew. Now that is God. The moment each horrible thing happened to her she was a victim however the moment it was over she became a survivor even when she didn’t realize it at the time. God saved her, protected her form a certain death at times and now has used it all for the good to help others like herself. One of her favorite verses in the Bible is ROM. 8:28 All things work for the good of those who love God;and are called according to His purpose.
This woman is now 50 years old, a mother of three and grandmother of 4 and has been single for the past 4 years for the first time since she was 18 and is trusting God to continue using her pains for a positive for others. She hopes someday God will send her a good Christian man to love and be loved by if it’s His will. She has learned that leaning on her will can be costly and she needs to rely on God’s will. She isn’t where she wants to be but is by no means where she was. This woman is me…
Domestic violence and sexual abuse is something not all can openly talk about and sometimes it’s best to leave the names out but we need not be ashamed of what we have gone through. We need to learn from it ourselves and to inform others of the warning signs that we missed or ignored. Men as well as women are abused yet sadly men tend to hide it even more than women. I say a man should be able to get the help he needs as a woman does and from what I know there are some groups out there for men, but like for women there truly aren’t enough. God can use what the devil meant for harm and turn it for the good even if it’s years down the road. I give God all the credit for me being alive today to share my story on the streets or where ever He sends me. Thank you for the opportunity to post here as well. Teresa C. Indiana
Interesting blog Teresa!
TY Michael, It has been a long journey, also during that time my children and I had lost our home and we spent the next 2 1/2 years living in motels in the winters and in campgrounds in the summers when I was with their dad. The best things thats that came during and after all the hurt and sadness was my salvation and my children and that I have been able to help others who are or have been through what I have. Sometimes when shooting pool or just out and about I am able to talk and/or listen to help others, sometimes it just with a smile or a hug that I give a stranger that can make them smile when they are down. I have hugged both men and women that I had never met before that moment, it’s amazing what a hug or smile can do for a person. It lifts them. I have only had one person ever tell me they didn’t want a hug of the hundreds I’ve hugged. Ive stopped and prayed for and with people in the stores, parking lots and the streets. God knows no bounderies.
I would like to encourage any woman in a domestic violent marriage or relationship not to give up hope, God delivered me and He can do the same for you. Do not be ashamed of your choices or situations instead learn from them and grow and when it’s safe to do so then please get out. Do I wish I had paid attention to the warning signs oh yes, but instead ignored them, but you don’t have to. Does he try to keep you away from family and friends, does he belittle and demean you, does he verbally assault you, does he beat you, does he treat your children (whether his or not) as he does you, if you answered yes to any of these questions then in my opinion and exsperience you need to get out of that relationship. Call your local crisis center and get help. Some have programs where they can give you an address to receive mail which will protect where you. The mail goes to the address that the program gives you then on to your real address. God is our strong tower and will be there for you…
Thanks Rachel for this blog, I know how it feels to be trapped in a relationship, mine had nothing to do with abuse, but rather neglect. But I thank God I was able to walk away recently after almost two years, I feel new and ‘detoxified’.
I feel like what Arigi Queen has said. I was in a marriage of neglect. The more I worked trying to please him and his family the more the expected. Anyway, I had no value as a person because of this behavior. After he left it took me being saved by our Lord Jesus Christ and Him showing me that I am worth something, which I’m still working on. When you are at your lowest, look up and reach up and Jesus is there for you always and forever!!!!!!!!!!
For me, I don’t believe in making friends that doesn’t suit my way of life, that’s why I make my friends and hardly do one make me his or her friend. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a friendly person. I make what I would call temporal friends and permanent friends, and even the permanent friends are not so permanent to me. It means that I can even drop a permanent friend whom I think is not of help or that I don’t learn any thing good from.
I agree with you Rachel. Many times the wrong things that I have seen got so deep within me that I believed. Thanks to the Holy Spirit who helped me to regain my self esteem & identity through Christ. Many times knowingly or unknowingly I began to replay all those negative words, but as I looked to the Lord, He began to shower words of encouragement & Hope.
I completely agree with your post. In my view, if we get our sense of self-worth from anyone other than God, we inevitably get caught in the endless and futile game of trying to please others. If we go to God for our self-worth, we will never be let down, because God loves us exactly as we are forever no matter what we do. Its win-win with Him! Cool blog by the way. Keep the wisdom flowin…
-Jeff (from biology)
Rachel,
I enjoyed your blog but one thing that I think is important to mention too is that so many people have no idea that how they are being treated is wrong, because their relationship examples were not great. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years most of them have been filled with strife and anger at one another. Only very recently did I find out that he had been unfaithful several times even with my best friend, I was honestly shocked. I had tricked myself into believing our relationship was wonderful and that he was wonderful. After a few days of finding out I told myself you knew the whole time, but I didn’t want to face that reality. I’m praying our story has a happy ending since we are giving our lives to God together. We have joined a good church and are focused on serving our Lord. We are also getting married, something he had always refused to do, so we, along with our son can be a family for Christ. Prayers for our little family and for the healing of our hearts would be appreciated. Thanks!
Celina
I have been thinking and it’s exactly one month since I’ve re-dedicated my life to christ and the people I hoped would be by my side have since disappeared into the world and have forgotten me and rejected me and started treating me like an outsider, and the people who I thought would simply walk away and have anything to do with me have stepped forward and stood by me thro all this. And a matter of fact my so called close friends who are Christians are not even wanting to talk to me and my muslim friend she came up to me said I know we’re not from the same releigon but that’s not a issue. I want to help you with your life and I want to stand by you in your desicion to live a godly life. How awsome is that!!! I feel sorry for my mates who turned their backs on me and treated me like trash but I will pray for them to see the light. And now I have read your blog again and have realised that I was living a metrial life and I was just being used by these so called friends, but it’s not happening any more. I’ve learned to say no to that and by doing so the good Lord has blessed me with a new car just a week after I’ve surended to his power!! Now that’s what I call a gift from God!! But yet again satan tries to break me down by sending jealousy into my life causing people to hate my car and saying bad remarks about me, but it’s not gona break my stride coz I’ve found God and I know where I am going!!! Thanx for a lovely blog. I have seen that seeing is believing!!
Thanx for your blog, Rachel..you couldn’t be more right. Sometimes people feel like noone will love them if they get out of such a relationship (and I was one of such people) and this is when it hasn’t really dawned on you how much God loves you..the enemy uses this to keep you in bondage but thank God that when the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!Until I realized how precious I was to God I didn’t know my self-worth.. I’m glad I’m free now and I know that anyone who doesn’t appreciate me sure doesn’t deserve me..God bless you.
Thank you
This is the first time I am visiting this site but I must say I am impressed with what I have seen so far…….also to Rachel, increasing confidence and self esteem should be part of our daily Christian teachings and our faith and hope should be built on nothing less but Jesus Christ our Lord and personal Savior.
I can really relate to this blog because I was in this situation where things were going great. We were supposed to get married, we were together for at least 4 to 5 months. We were both 18 when things fell apart and I was crushed terribly I went to the extreme. I did a lot of stupid things such as starving myself to get him back and it didn’t work; it left a lot of scars. So I got inspired to start my own blog called Saving teens Lives Slowly to inspire people that they can make it just like I did…with God nothing shall be impossible.
So much wisdom in this post
I have read through the various responses to Rachel’s blog and i am totally impressed by the fact that the survivors who told their stories are instead of wallowing in self pity, helping others who are being abused. I guess, we can say its a big blow to the devil cause what he meant for evil is being used for good.
I experienced a number of abusive relationships as a youth (though it was largely neglect) and because i felt incomplete without a boyfriend,i ended up going through so many relationships. Then one day i came across a book titled The Lady,The Lover and Her Lord authored by TD Jakes and the truth in that book completely set me free. I learnt that to be a complete woman you have to first have a relationship with God, love Him and be totally committed to Him, that way you will come to love your self, have a sense of value because you will realise the works he has done in you, how valuable and precious you are, allow him to heal you and make you whole and only after that will you be able to love a man (note that this applies to both sexes in a relationship). Only after that realisation did i enjoy subsequent relationships, cause i totally refused to settle for less. The key is always having a relationship with God cause there was a period, my love for God grew cold and i had another stint of an abusive relationship until God delivered me. Today i am happily married to a wonderful man.
I try my best to explain this principle to a lot of my younger friends cause its truly the only way to ensure you don’t end up with abusive partners.
Well done Rachel and God bless u.